allow me to emphasize in advance, i’m terrible at relationships. i mean just miserable. i get bored, i get stir-crazy, and i eventually just jump ship.

but i’d be lying to you if i didn’t admit i like the idea of relationships; there’s a certain nicety about having someone to come home to at night. but i’d prefer a different person every night.

i also don’t believe in the re-date, when you date someone again, after breaking up. if i broke up with you, there was probably a good reason for it. so why go through
and do it again?

it’s madness! i don’t get on and off couples.

and call me crass, but i believe only in lust at first sight, not love. i mean, i want a lot of people the first time i meet them. but i rarely want them for long, and never forever.

i know, i know. “if you believe, it will eventually happen to you.” whatever. i just can’t fool myself into believing that anything is forever. people change, lives are irrevocably altered, and to say you’ll always be there, well, i can’t dedicate that long.

however, if you have a few days to contemplate the kama sutra with me…

i can’t commit to blogs any more than i can to women, or to quitting drinking.

they are not, as it’s said, in the cards.

so when i start a blog, i always try to start with a new theme, in hopes that it will refresh my desire to write.

my virgin blog was written with a few friends, future roommates as we searched for a place to live. after that, a social blog about nothing – the seinfeld of blogs.

after those ran their courses and came to their eventual demises, i started my first solo blog. it was trying to be funny.

as you might expect, it wasn’t.

i’ve had three or four blogs since then that all more or less amounted to that same theme, and all of them have failed and bored me by post 3. i never felt the need to continue being funny.

so now i’m trying something different. i’m not going to be funny (but, just trust me on this, i am hilarious. in person. while inebriated.) if i end up being funny, it’s not intentional.

well, not entirely so, anyway.

i’m only going to engage in deep, meaningful conversation in this space.

or alternately i will get drunk and verbally crap all over your screen. now i require a glass of jack’s and a bottle of merlot. excuse me.

i despise going to the hospital, in fear that i might end up with an affliction far worse than that which i ventured there for in the first place.

so when i tell you that i went to the hospital the other day, understand the gravity of the situation.

i have an infected foot. toenail, to be precise. i’ll spare you the photography: suffice it to say that if you saw a deep, festering wound through the lens of human feces and reeking souls of the damned, the sight would provide a reasonable approximation of what my right foot’s big toe looks like.

so my doctor puts me on antibiotics. now, maybe you’re not aware of this, but i am an alcoholic. being on antibiotics does not agree with me, thusly. please be aware that sharp, stabbing pains in one’s belly are not congruent to a pleasant drunken experience.

nor do they amount to a proper pickup line, and unfortunately i was left with telling one young lass to “hang on to that thought” as i “barf my breakfast, lunch and dinner” into a nearby bartender’s ice bucket.

i think she was no longer interested in finding out whether we would head to “my place or yours?”

…

whoa, okay. so first blog posts are awkward.

i think i’ve written a “first blog post” more times than i’ve ever written up following posts.

hi, nice to meet you, i have commitment issues. blogs and such.

i don’t really know what you’re looking for me to say. maybe you think i’m hilarious from postings i haven’t made yet, or you know me from somewhere i’d rather you didn’t talk about in polite company, but either way, if you’re reading this then you’ve come to absorb the wisdom of the ages and bask in my sparkling witticism and cynical commentary.

that’s awesome. if you ever find it, kudos to ya!

oh, right. nightshade. here. i told you they were poisonous.

(there, okay. first post’s finished. take a deep breath and…)